So, as of today, I'm one of those people who has 'therapy', apparently. After years of not feeling particularly amazing on a lot of fronts (driving, confidence, family history, bereavement, anger etc) I decided - with T's support - to, well, seek help.
I have only been for one session, with a cool woman who lives about two doors away - is there anything this village can't do? I was a little nervous, but also wierdly calm. Or, as calm as you can be when you're about to tell a complete stranger some unresolved stuff that dates all the way back to when you were a nipper.
Anyway, she's cool, and we had a good introductory chat. I already think it's beneficial. For too long I have felt a bit like a car with only two working gears. I can go forward, but progress is halting, and I tend to roll to a standstill at the first sign of a hill, if you like. I haven't driven here for three weeks, and frankly I'm not arsed if I never drive again. It is too much, and I fear hitting stuff and endangering other people. That's not something I was over-burdened with in Bristol, or London for that matter. Maybe a bit more self-confidence will enable me to take this shit on and actually excel at something? Early days yet, but I am hopeful.
I've felt strange and 'drifty' for the last couple of years. I don't really know what I'm doing, or where I'm going particularly. Maybe this will help to focus that? I don't know. I already feel it's the best thing to do - it's also really nice to have a space where you can just talk to someone neutral about yourself for a while. I've not had that, ever. Nobody gets that close, and those that used to aren't around (at least corporeally) these days, so it's got to be a good thing. I sensed a bit of envy from Tam when I came back. Maybe she could benefit from doing something similar?
All I know is, I love her too much to not be with her, so I'm going to become better in order to keep her.
